I Have Been Abused by a Narcissist, but Am I a Victim?

Why I Struggle with the Victim Label associated with Narcissistic Abuse…

Ever since my relationship ended a year ago with a Narcissistic boyfriend, I have felt conflicted about using the word victim. When I describe the relationship to others, I often listen to myself and feel a deep sense of sadness, not for the demise of the relationship, but for the depths of humiliation that I allowed myself sink into. It’s almost as if I am looking at myself as an observer, kind of like an inner child dynamic, and I feel a tremendous amount of self compassion.

There are times, fortunately they are fewer and further between, when I begin to ruminate on the broken promises, the gaslighting and the slow, methodical way he chiseled away at me, and I feel full of rage.

But I’m I a victim?

The word victim implies powerlessness, and I was never in a situation where it was impossible to leave. I have no issue with accepting and acknowledging that I was emotionally abused, but what was my part?

Most of the people I share my story with are not only horrified with the ex’s behavior, but they are shocked that I tolerated it for so long. My friends know me as a strong and capable woman, and they have a difficult time making sense of why I chose to stay in the relationship. Full disclosure, I didn’t leave, I was discarded, but unlike the 3 previous discards, this time I refused to go back.

I am self aware enough to understand that resentments only harm the person holding onto the resentment, but I don’t feel remotely close to forgiveness, and I honestly don’t know if I will ever be.

…..but I don’t feel remotely close to forgiveness, and I honestly don’t know if I will ever be.

Unlike my other past relationships, including those that ended on poor terms, I can honestly say that this was the only ex that truly was not a good person.

Every human is fallible. We have all been hurt and have hurt others at some point in our lives. More often than not, it is usually without knowing, but there are times when we turn our cheek to another’s pain for our own selfish gain. With age and with wisdom, and if we are brave enough to take an inventory of ourselves, we can recognize it for what it was, and in some cases, even make amends. Narcissists are not like “normal” people, they are incapable of self reflection, they see themselves as the only true victim. This is partially the reason why these relationship, both during and after, are so maddening. A narcissist’s only motive is to get their needs met, and they simply lack the capacity to genuinely love, or even care for that matter, about anyone. Yet, most of us in these relationships realize this on some level before the end.

I if honored my intuition and didn’t allow myself to go into complete denial, I would never have stayed past the honeymoon phase. My insecurities were on overdrive and eventually I felt too broken to be with anyone else. I had become isolated and avoided family and friends. I was too embarrassed to show up as the shell of the person I felt that I had become, I was full of shame. I had lost much of my authentic self, and living a lie was gnawing away at me, and yet I stayed.

So am I a victim?

I have trudged the long road of recovery and I am still a work in progress. I am confident that I will find a fulfilling relationship one day. I want to take the time to reach the point where I will no longer be at risk of allowing myself to be consumed by someone else’s identity. My goal is to be with a man who sees me for me and who will welcome my vulnerabilities. I have come far enough to know that this is obtainable. Despite the arduous process, I have a lot of gratitude for finally waking up and doing the work. I don’t know if I would have ever gotten here if I didn’t have that 6 year “brush” with a narcissist.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

xo